A Productive Holiday

I'm happy to say that I'm enjoying my holiday so far - honestly. I spent almost 2 days in bed due to headache, but I think the sleep was much needed, for the sake of sleeping off the stress and worries.

Trying my best to let things go, though I think there's a little debate going on inside me if some things should be let go, or should be something to be strived for. I am unhappy because there's a "me", I think I see that quite clearly as I see that "I" am unhappy because "I" am not getting the things "I" want. If "I" take certain actions it's because of the "I", while "I" may choose to take other actions for other people's benefit.

I've also visited a friend whose mum had passed away on Sunday. A bit ridiculous for me to note this but I haven't seen my friend's mum for a couple of years, and having seen her picture now - her looks are similar to a client in Singapore - and this particular client has been very kind to me as well. That's another story - all those kind clients I've met - sometimes I hate to think how I should confront them in the future though it's not my fault and they may not mind it anyway... but I'll never be able to be their "friend", I mean, friends don't do what I will have to do to their friends. The client story aside, I met a uni course mate at my friend's house.

This coursemate of mine - well, we have never been close but I can't help but to notice my own reaction when he told me about his current occupation. Nothing illegal or anything wrong, but it's the kind of more routine job which I had also been through - and I think I really felt ashamed of myself because the first thought that came into my mind is his position after 3 years of working - I am comparing his job with mine and with some other people - how could my first thought be that?? That he's "worse" off than me and some other people? What makes me think that I'm better than him?

It's really a "weird" feeling that I've been having lately. I suddenly see the "ego" in myself. I see my own thoughts - my own "unhappiness" - it's all due to this little ego which arises now and then. If I'm ever feeling unhappy/happy or whatever other feelings/emotions it's all because of "me". External factors may have cause the event but "I" feel unhappy because it will affect "me".

In contrast - I am starting to lose the passion I had for my current job - it's "auto pilot", just read an article on the "auto pilot" life - and it fits my working situation now. I can't really see where I'm heading, not to say there's anything wrong, I think what I'm doing is still ok, in line with what is required by the job but it's more like me fitting in the job than the job fitting me? I enjoy the side benefits of the job, and I must admit the experience is great... but, well, something seems missing...

Back to my opening of this piece of blog, I am feeling happy - there's still truth in it. I am happy I have taken some time to read, to do some personal errands, to reflect on these inner thoughts (out of subject: it's quite horrifying to learn from the MBTI test I'm 100% introvert, 0% extravert). I must really do something to be a better person from within... someone told me recently to live by my credibility. I really hope I can do that - do what needs to be done, take the feeling/emotion out. I guess I want to add on something to it - take the ego out as well - which I think is the most difficult thing to do. But if I really want to make a good judgement or to decide on what I should do, I have to do it, or I might regret how I live my life now...

ttg